I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
