my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
