Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
