wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Houston, we have a squirter
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
