I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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