11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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