he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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