Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
