My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
