At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm both gender and math confused
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
