I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
