How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
