Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
