If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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