your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
