you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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