I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
two words...techno handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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