Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
