I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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