How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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