I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
