I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
