Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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