My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
