my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
