Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.