so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
