so that wasnt chicken after all
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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