one two three fourrrrnication!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
