She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
