Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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