THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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