3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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