when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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