I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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