I feel like abortions should bother me more
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
