Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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