he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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