i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
