He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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