just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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