Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you inspire me to be a worse person
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
