# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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