Since when is my name a synonym for head?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
