Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The uberlube is also flammable
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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