someone threw a dead crab at me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
