I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
