I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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