i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
