He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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