My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.