How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She even gives head with a lisp.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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