I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
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YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
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In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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