I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
