Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
