Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And then he peed in my hair
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