I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
